Martyrdom

I have often talked and written about the almost shocking degree of relaxed-ness that seems inherently Indonesian--one can even witness this in the Javanese, who are known for being the passive, worrying sort. Being around perpetually chilled-out people has done wonders for my anxiety, my internal organs, my skin, my weight (gaining!), etc. I find almost no shame in talking two-hour naps daily; I've stopped feeling guilty about the fact that I teach less than fourteen classroom hours each week (I'm not kidding here...), and I walk around Malang with very little inhibition--rarely worrying about whether people will silently or public judge me (a bule! an infidel! a slut!...a laundry list of possible accusations).

But there's another element of Indonesian--(Muslim?--Javanese?)-- culture that I find a little hard to take. It's the assumption that women are responsible for holding up the entire underbelly of society. Women cook two to three meals a day for their entire family. Most women--employed or not--wake up by 4 a.m. to start boiling water, cooking rice, sweeping the house and porch, and of course to pray at dawn. Now that woman can work outside the home, they often do. Bu Lilik makes only $200 a month, while her husband makes probably five times that much, and despite the relatively small dent her income makes, she works five days a week (sometimes six). She is the treasurer of her "Persik"--(social club for the wives of military men--I think maybe it's like the Twigs...), treasurer of the school's mini-bank, faculty member in charge of English Conversation Club, and faculty in charge of "foreign affairs"--i.e. me. She is the faculty member responsible for attending all the Sampoerna Foundation's trainings, conferences, workshops, etc. She has two daughters still living at home, a husband, and a house. From me, she's got two cat-granddaughters whom she feeds while I am away. And she does all of this without complaining.

But her health is in peril. She has been sick for about three weeks now, and it's showing no signs of letting up. She is constantly fatigued, congested and coughing, and she truly does not think she can give up a single one of her voluntary obligations in order to rest up and get well. It makes me crazy.

I know that the over-achieving, assuming-too-many-responsibilities thing is totally prevalent in America. The arrogant assumption that women, now that we're 'liberated' will manage both family and career, is equally problematic in the States. But I do thing there's something about being a Muslim woman in Indonesia that is far more constricting for these martyrs: they are simply not allowed to complain. When my mother was in charge of a family of five and supported all of them while my step-father was unemployed for over a year, she periodically had-it-to-here, and gave my stepsisters and me good a scolding or more chores or whatever it was that we needed. I used to tease my mom by imitating her "Do you KNOW how STRESSED I am?" routine. But in a way I think it helped keep her--and other women--sane. Bu Lilik grins and bears everything, and does not think she is allowed to be angry, annoyed, or even just tired. I think she honestly believes it is the "women's burden" or something, and that she is truly obligated by Allah (or whomever) to wake up yet another morning at 4 a.m.

Indonesia is really a weird place. Women do the shopping and cooking and child-rearing just as they did 100 years ago (more or less), and yet they cruise by on Honda motorcycles, wear jilbab decked out in glitter and sequins, smoke cigarettes, own businesses, and go window-shopping at fancy import malls. I am stumped by it all.